Getting Back on Your Feet

The biggest obstacle we face in life when we experience loss is fear.

In 1989, I sat in history class watching TV with people all around the world as the first sledgehammers hit the Berlin Wall, which had separated East from West for decades. At that moment, something was deposited within my heart that I did not understand at the time. All my ethnic roots were from Eastern Europe and somehow I identified with the years of pain and isolation and wept at the site of joyful reunion and freedom experienced when the era of communism fell in that part of the world.

Fast forward seven years and after living in Budapest, Hungary for three months doing a YWAM DTS, followed by two months of outreach in Serbia and Croatia, I was making plans and attempting to raise money to move to Croatia as a missionary. This has not been my first trip to Eastern Europe. My first mission trip was to war-torn Croatia in 1993 when I was nineteen years old. The following year I was in Bucharest, Romania for two months.

It was a devastating blow when the funds did not come. I felt incredible rejection. My line of thinking was that there was a shortage of missionaries all around the world, and yet for some reason, God did not use me. I was a failure somewhere. I felt "the call" and the opportunity presented itself, and for some reason, I was just not good enough for God. All the self-hatred and places I saw my failures in my life were highlighted to me.

I got a job at a coffee house and settled into a life of confusion. I wrestled with God and beat myself up. Other days I attempted to encourage myself in the Lord. More than anything, I had to learn to be content in the moment.

It was not that long, just a year and God started to reveal that He truly had called me and that He was leading me in a certain direction, but I could not hear it. I did not want to. Trust had been broken by the circumstances. This is that place in our lives, where if we let it, fear takes over and shuts us down from proceeding.

When becoming the new president of the United States, Franklin Roosevelt, facing the crisis of a world war declared to the citizens of America this statement that also resounded around the world, "The only thing we have to fear is fear itself."

I was stuck, and I know that God understood why. Years down the road, I understood why it never worked out. I never would have met the wife of my dreams. God wanted me in Europe, but based in Ireland, and not in Croatia. Through several devastating events, the people who were pioneering the work I was meant to join ended up back in the United States and the mission never got up and running. These were all bits of information that I was not privy to at the time. I had to simply trust.

There are two types of loss we usually find ourselves in. God closes the door for certain reasons (which was what I was going through at the time), and those that happen because of bad choices or ignorance on our part, we have an enemy out to steal, kill, and destroy (John 10:10), or that we live in a world of sin and corruption. No matter the reason, God is working to bring about good (Romans 8:28).

I did not believe that at the time. The views I had of myself and Him, though they were changing and becoming more in line with what God said about me, had not developed enough for me to be able to trust again. Fear had taken root and I was stuck.

The coffee shop that I worked at was located in an outdoor shopping mall. The local business employees used to come and get their coffee throughout the day. I had developed some kind of friendship with several of them.

I remember vividly the day Sal came in all boisterous in his usual Italian way. He worked at the tuxedo shop at the end of the mall. As far as I knew, he was not a follower of Christ personally, though he had a reverence and understanding of who God was through religion.

"This is a college person's job. What are you doing here? You have all these dreams to do missions and stuff. What would the Big Guy say? He would say get your %&!@ out there!"

And so, God's prophet spoke to me! I figured that if God could use a donkey to speak to Balaam when he could not see the angel before him trying to block his way, God could use Sal to challenge me to step out again into missions. It would have been likely that if that word came from someone at church or that I knew was strong in their relationship with God, I probably would have dismissed it. Sal just spoke to me right where I was at with the language that I needed to hear it.

Within months, after taking some time to get away and ask God where He wanted me to go, I was on my way to Texas. It was not Europe, which frustrated me at times, but it is where I met my wife and became the launching pad for us to move to Ireland in 1999.

I still face fear. I heard a preacher respond to someone who asked for prayer to remove the fear that he would have to pray then that they would die and go to heaven. We will always face fear. The question is how do we respond to it.

A few things that I have learned over the years, particularly from this experience, as it was my first great loss in life. Often we think of loss in terms of people dying, but loss comes in all forms, and if we do not deal with it, it will form a wall around our faith and ability to find life again after loss.

1. Be honest about where you are at. Be honest with God. He knows already what you are thinking and believing. If possible (though sometimes it may not be), find one or two trusted people to share your heart with and get GOOD counsel.

2. Find people who can empathize with you, but do not look for sympathy. Empathy is about people who care for you and weep with you, but also keep pointing you to what God says about you and your life. Sympathy is people who feel sorry for you. When I am going through loss and hardship I have learned to avoid people of sympathy. It feels nice to my flesh, but gets me stuck in self-pity and that is not what I need or what need when going through a hard time.

3. Dig into the Bible and find the truth of what God says about your circumstances and your future. Write them out. Put them in visible places. Say them out loud. Surround yourself with the promises of God.

4. Do not be too hard on yourself. I am all about taking personal responsibility for change in your life. You are the only one who can do that. Some people get stuck there and need to be challenged in this area, but if you are like me, you can over-internalize everything and defeat yourself as your own worst enemy. Remember, the only accusations that stick, whether from people or the voice of our spiritual foe, are the ones that we believe in ourselves. Choose to believe what God says about you and focus on that.

5. Give yourself time. I believe in miracles and instant healing and wholeness, but so often the internal battles that we face come with a long history of events and beliefs that need to be dealt with at a root level before we see a change in the fruit. I can count on one hand the times when God has stepped into my life and miraculously changed something on the inside of me, and usually when I do experience that kind of sudden miracle in my inward person, it is the result of months and years of investing in studying the Scriptures, listening to sermons, and pressing into that particular area before that "light bulb" moment. Most transformation comes a day at a time, line upon line, and precept upon precept (Isaiah 28:13).

If you find yourself dealing with any kind of loss and fear is knocking at your door, or maybe already inside your house making itself at home with its feet up on your coffee table, let these tools help you begin to take your life back and kick that fear out! Remember, fear will always be present. It is up to us how we respond to it, and if it is already there and has a foothold, just go through these steps. Find someone you trust who can pray with you and encourage you (not preach at you and shame you).

God wants to turn your loss into something beautiful, and He can when we (me and you) allow Him to.

*** The picture above is of Rachel on the Waterford, Ireland coast near Dungarvan.