"I Am Calling You Up."

One morning when I recently got up, I just sat in bed sharing my thoughts with the Lord.

“I just cannot do this.”

Two of my kids were suffering the day before, as I tried to minister to them.  They know that l have been struggling as well, and because of that would choose to keep from dumping on me.  Time and again, I have had to express that it is more difficult to see them holding back and trying to carry it on their own than to share the burden.  And so is the journey that we are on…and thankfully, we keep finding each other and going deeper.

In those moments with God, I just expressed the deep pain and loneliness I felt to no longer have my best friend with me (not feeling alone, just missing Rachel).  God has sent some amazing people, but that day-to-day and moment-by-moment sharing of life and memories…gone.

And on top of that, there is that sense of confusion as to what is next.  I know that I am still called to ministry…in the sense of the calling to a full-time career.

“How does that work?  God, I don’t know exactly what to do anymore.”

Since we handed over Life Church in Portlaoise and Carlow, there has been this wandering.  And yet, it has been one day at a day, leaning into Him, and doors to minister and keep going and the money to do it…just has kept being there.  Sometimes I have wondered if I am done with ministry, just by default of the circumstances I find myself in, and then BAM…God encourages me to keep going, provides some kind of miracle, or opens a door.

As I lay in bed, struggling the past few days, where I had grown accustomed to this stage of ministry that we have been in as a family these past seven years and have learned to be content, in the moment and to love it, also knowing there was a future work that God has prepared us for…feeling extremely lost…at the end of a season and not knowing how to live what is next, not understanding what it is, and struggling to know how to lead my family.

After just laying in bed a few hours, getting that chance being a weekend, listening to the Word and scrolling some, I made my way downstairs, made a smoothy for me and the kids, some coffee, and sat down to read a book I just got on kindle a few days ago.

And there in my face, in God’s gentle loving consistent reaching out to me and my family, was the answer for us right now.

“I am calling you up.”

I understood that my relationship with God has changed over the past seven years.  It started on Holiday in France, three weeks before we resigned when I had a ten-day mental breakdown that changed my life.  Rachel read me those seven days from the book Hinds Feet in High Places.  The only two messages God spoke to me were, “Go back to the beginning,” and, “Don’t forfeit what I am doing by quitting.”

I started to read the Bible cover to cover.  In two years I did it three times.  Then I started listening with Rachel outside of reading and studying when we went to bed, often leaving it all night while we slept and into the morning.  During Covid, we took the time to study more pray in tongues more, and had our kids watch with us to at least one sermon a day.

And in the midst, ministry just seemed to happen.  Doors opened more to preach.  I found myself not preparing for sermons anymore.  I just jotted a few words to get me started and felt God told me to open my mouth and He would fill it with words as I had been spending much time with Him in the secret place (there is nothing more spiritual about preaching this way, and I prepared and had thorough notes for nearly thirteen years of preaching nearly every Sunday, and sometimes more when traveling to preach other places).

****That is one of the things I miss most about Rachel being gone.  We did so much of life together, our interests and hobbies.  Even when she painted, which I do not do, I sat often in the same room in the evenings practicing and writing music.  But we shared spiritually together throughout the day.  Jesus was our ultimate pursuit as a couple and family, and we kept that the centerpiece of our home and conversation, at meals and throughout the day.

So there was God’s answer to me.  I cannot say I fully understand, but as I read this book, and as the author described through the Old Testament and New Testament, that we can have as much of God as we want and that there are levels in God, I could hear the still small voice of God in my heart giving me the answer to all my struggles.

“I am calling you up.”

I do not know what that looks like in the months or years ahead.  I sometimes struggle to keep focus and know-how that looks even now.  But I believe this is not just a message for me.  It is what God is saying to the Church today around the world.

“I am calling you up.”

Lord, help me to put distractions aside and heed your call.  Help me to allow this to be my ultimate focus.  Help this touch those who read this as well.  Amen.

Are We There Yet?

I think human nature gravitates towards wanting to think that one has arrived.  With every revelation that we get, the tendency is to think, “This is it!  This is the revelation I have needed!  This is the revelation that the world needs!  Where have I been????  Look out world, I know exactly what you need!”

Remember Peter.  Jesus revealed His transfigured gloried self to Peter, James, and John.  Peter’s response was classic.  He wanted to build a church up there.  Three to be more precise.  One for Jesus.  One for Moses (representing the law).  One for Elijah (representing the prophets).

Someone asked me why I wanted to take classes and connect with Charis Bible College since I have already been to Bible College.  It was the same question I was asked when I felt led to go to Youth With A Mission in my early twenties and do a Discipleship Training School after I had finished three years at Bible School.  Besides wanting to meet the requirements needed to be part of the YWAM global family and ministry, I felt there was something God wanted to teach me.

And you know what?????

Charis is neither the beginning nor the end of my revelatory experience either!  At this season of my life and that of my family, there is something for us here for this season.  Benjamin is the one who is enrolled.  I get to attend some classes and chapels.

Life has been a continual sorting out of details and making plans amid moments of processing and grieving for all of us.  Two weeks ago, I suddenly felt settled.  We have found a bit of routine, and with that, a whole different perspective as everything has slowed down enough to face life and allow God to help begin the process of unpacking the past year and look at our new reality.

Talking to a friend in Ireland, they said it is like you still believe in your heart the truth of God, what He is like, and what He says, but your emotions are a bit all over the place.  That is so true at times.  I understand the importance of not allowing yourself to slip into depression, but that has to be balanced with rejecting or pushing away the pain will only create problems down the road.

I just know, where we are right where we need to be right now, and God is helping us.  There have been these moments, special moments, and painful moments, both as a family and with certain individuals who just seem to have a word from God in season or an incredible longing and understanding to minister to us.  That just blows me away from the care that has come to our family through certain people.  We are sooooooo thankful.  I suppose you spend the majority of your life wanting to love deeply and care for people, and suddenly, here we are in great need, and so thankful!

At one of the chapels, one of the speakers spoke on maturity and immaturity.  I love his statement on what maturity is:  Maturity is when you recognize immaturity in your life and you are willing to face into and change.  Life is always a journey of growing into greater wholeness if we just allow God to lead us and walk us through it.

I have started writing again.  It has been so long.  A good friend recommended that I should. I am not ready yet to write through what our family has been through (which I will likely dump after I do…as he suggested I may want to), but I have touched on some things close to my heart, things God has been speaking to me, as well of some of Rachel’s heart.  She had lots to say over the past four years in particular, and while some had the privilege of hearing her heart, many others did not.

I am working on revised versions of some of what I have published before, and a new book as well.

You can still the videos that we did together during covid lockdown on YouTube at Kingdom Living Without Limits.  One of my sons says it helps him to still watch and listen to her speak. He says Rachel is still helping him and speaking to him as he watches.

I had uploaded sermons I preached over the past year.  I believe the day will come when I will open the channel again to more regular content.  I am just not there yet.  Most often when people ask me how we are all doing, my only response is, “One day at a time.”

Amid the processing and pain, it is wonderful for the family to be all together.  We are also building new memories, and having laughs.  Meeting new people and in the early stages of new friendships.  The cycles of loss and new beginnings are part of life here on this earth.  Numerous times throughout the day as we have new experiences, we acknowledge that Rachel would love to be here or do this, or just remember something from our past that was similar.  Sometimes those moments are accompanied by a tear and in other moments, with a smile…something we know that she has on her face right now and all the time!

You can follow along our journey more at: https://www.instagram.com/living_with_colour/

The Lost Art of Pilgrimage

“Blessed is the man whose strength is in You, whose heart is set on pilgrimage, as they pass through the Valley of Baca, they make it a spring; the rain also covers it with pools.  They go from strength to strength; each one appears before God in Zion.” -Psalms 84:5-7

Our family has recently suffered a great tragedy.  The kind that changes you for the rest of your life.  And I am proud of my children because they have agreed with me that the truth of who God is and what He says is not negotiable.

BUT…

Something radically shifts on the inside of you when you go through a major event or crisis.  Things that once came easy or that you believed easily, now take more work.  More digging.  More dependence on God just to make it through the day.

Scholars have said that it is possible that the Valley of Baca may not have been a literal place.  It can also be defined as “the valley of weeping.”  Warren Wiersbe describes this valley as “any difficult and painful place in life, where everything seems hopeless and you feel helpless, like ‘the pit of despair.’”

I have gone through deep challenges in life before and found that they had little influence on my emotions and soul realm.  At other times, it is like my entire being is completely exposed and vulnerable before God.  Right now, I am somewhere in between.  And that is o.k.

One area I see where I have grown over the years as a person because of my relationship with God is that I do not care about what people think about where I am at, how I should respond to my situation, or what my journey should look like in their opinion.  I am thankful for the wonderful people in my life that God has brought that do have permission to be part of my decision-making process, but all those other voices and opinions, I just do not care.

What I do care about is what the Father has to say.  What His Word speaks that brings guidance and life.  What comfort His precious Holy Spirit wants to bring to me and my family.  What greater revelation of Jesus is there for me and my family that will plunge us into greater intimacy and greater days ahead.

That brings me to the verse five of the passage above.  Pilgrimage.  What is it?  I looked it up and came across this definition:

A pilgrimage is a journey, often into an unknown or foreign place, where a person goes in search of new or expanded meaning about their self, others, nature, or a higher good through the experience. It can lead to a personal transformation, after which the pilgrim returns to their daily life.

It is not something you hear much about anymore, particularly in the sphere of Christianity that I most associate with.  I come from a Catholic background in my younger years, where there would be remnants of pilgrimage, but even there as in most of the segments of society, something once considered sacred and meaningful has been lost.

And maybe that is partly to blame for why the world is the way it is. The art of journey and story and meditation (which is more a Biblical concept than a new age one) have been lost.  The idea of setting one’s heart on a pilgrimage to become more intimate with God, to search for Him, and to discover meaning only found in Him, has become a lost art.

It is frowned upon because the world, including and sometimes even more relevant in the religious world, emphasizes “doing” and “working” and awards busyness.  These are important elements within the fabric of a healthy society and productive lifestyle but should be broken up with seasons of downtime accompanied by deep seeking.  I am not referring to the everyday seeking that should be the normal bringing of our relationship with God into our everyday lives.  This is about taking seasons when needed in life when nothing else makes sense or seems to be working as it did before, set your heart on pilgrimage.

I have done this in life before.  In 2013, we took a two-month sabbatical.  I was coming near forty and felt there was another direction life was meant to take.  For years it hovered there, and eventually, I knew I had to take some intentional time away to connect with God and family and myself to get the answers I needed.  It turned out to be life-changing for me and the entire family.  Not in some emotional hyped-up adrenal kick looking to do more or have better vision, but it serve as a platform to see the bigger picture of what God was doing and speaking to me and our family.  Big changes would occur in our ministry three years later.

When Rachel took sick, we tried to continue on, but after a few years, we decided to consolidate our family and focus.  I ministered part-time, as did Rachel with me in the ways that she was able, and we focused on studying the Word of God, in prayer, and being a family unit.  We focused on healing and restoration.  Our social connection narrowed a lot during that season.  We were in pursuit, and just as a professional athlete sacrifices many of the personal pleasures and relationships most others consider normal, we made radical changes.  We wanted more of God flowing through us.

I cannot even begin to express in words the soooooo much that God has done in our lives through the seeking.  Going after God with all your heart is not something you will ever regret.  Your flesh does not appreciate it, but your soul becomes alive as you allow your spirit to connect at a deeper level than you have before.

So here we stand.  In the valley of tears.  A painful place.  On pilgrimage.  Holding God to His promise that He will provide streams in the desert (Isaiah 43:19); oil of joy for the spirit of heaviness (Isaiah 61:3); and comfort those who mourn (Matthew 5:4).

If you are in that same place and nothing seems to make sense, I would encourage you to set your heart on pilgrimage.  If possible, take time out of your normal busy life and take a journey where you get away from the norm and find solitude and rest in new surroundings.  Most important…do not feel guilty.

It is amazing the times in Scripture that Jesus’ disciples, the crowds, or His earthly family searched for Him while He was lost in seeking to be with His heavenly Father.  He made no excuses and it marked His time on this earth and His ministry.  If He made no excuses for setting aside time for pilgrimage, then should we not similarly live our own lives?